The Pantless Pioneer

Hey Soulmate,

How are you at receiving? How do you feel when you receive a ton of attention, money, love, and pleasure? I think the muscle is the same regardless of the medium. I ask because, until recently, I was terrible at it. Unconsciously I believed receiving was self-indulgent and selfish. Any reference to “self” elicited a feeling of disgust. I had no idea I was receiving-challenged until I was a walking experience of disconnection that judged other people for not being what I wanted. They didn’t “resonate” with me. Nothing and no one was ever good enough.

Sebastian Eriksson is an 18-year-old up and coming surrealist artist living in Sweden. Not only is his artwork amazing, it's extremely thought-provoking as he adds descriptions of how his pieces relate to his life.
Sebastian Eriksson,
So on a 1-10 scale of receiving, I was probably a 1, a 1 being someone who is completely in their head, disconnected from their body,  blaming everything and everyone else, resentful, and absolutely positive nothing will ever be enough.
Then I met a few “10s”, those seemingly mythical unicorns that experience their life as an interactive video game they enjoy co-creating with the universe. I was the Little Mermaid stuck under the sea looking at bad asses with legs. Let’s say a “10” on the receiving scale is someone who is wide open, knows they are inherently worthy of success, and realizing ALL their dreams and desires. A “10” is likely authentic, playful, confident, feels loving no matter what, and experiences their entire body as a sensual organ. They might receive 1,000 birthday messages on Facebook and only feel grateful. They give of their own abundance. It turns them on to give, not because something is owed or feeding some idea of “being good”, but just because it just feels good to them. Where are you at you think?

I learned the quickest way to diagnose your level of receptivity is to look at your behavior in the bedroom. For example, how are you are at asking for what you want and receiving pleasure? How vulnerable do you allow yourself to be? It was during a shoot for TIME Magazine where I was filming Nicole Daedone, Author of Slow Sex and Founder of One Taste, that I started to wake up to the barriers I had unknowingly built against connection and pleasure. She was teaching a room full of people (I first judged as pathetic) about the value of female orgasm, how it works, and the sense of connection it brings to both sexes through a practice called Orgasmic Meditation. “In this practice,” she said “a woman is stroked very, very lightly on the upper left hand quadrant of her clitoris by a partner for 15 minutes. Her only job is to focus on the point of connection between his finger and her clitoris and melt into the floor. There is no goal, nowhere to get to, just melt and let everything go. Sink deeply into that floor.” Whaaa? I was freaking out. Some 16th Century part of my brain was screaming “selfish, lazy, witch!” but in the same held breath my body was punching me from the inside panting, “pay attention!”

After the initial judgment and panic I started to reflect on my experience. Like everything else in my twenties my sex life was to be an achievement. It was often rare, disconnected, fast, confusing and with the hottest guy in the room. “Is this good? Is this it? Are you my soulmate? Too long on me, it’s your turn. How do I look? What are you feeling?” After a few seconds of receiving I had this default response of overwhelm, guilt, and obligation. I might as well have been writing, directing, and producing the movie of every hookup, because it was all happening in my head. No wonder I thought I couldn’t have an orgasm.

So, Soulmate, I suppose now is as good a time as any to confess that I practice something called Orgasmic Meditation (OM). I have one OM partner and no we haven’t ever hooked up. He stays clothed. I keep my shirt on. There is no penetration and at the end we both share a “frame”, a moment of sensation happening in our own body. This practice has not only helped me start to heal a few centuries of thick conditioning around sex, learn how to ask for what I want, recognize the power of sexuality as a force for spiritual growth, and forgive men for not knowing how a woman’s orgasm works, it has also taught me how to get out of my head and into my body* (a primary factor I’m discovering for fulfillment). In one OM session I felt like a thick layer of paint was removed from my entire upper body, leaving a new layer of skin, raw and alive. I know it sounds super weird and it kind of is at first but consider it a much better option to me getting hammered at a bar to find someone to fulfill my touch quota. Being single has sometimes meant years without being touched by someone I didn’t pay (like a massage therapist). That isn’t right.

reaching for each other…
“Dialog” – Rudolf Bonvie, 13 Fotografien, 1973
Touch, I believe, is a basic human need. Meaningful and intentional, sober and conscious touch is a whole other ball game. In order to allow myself to receive touch (and now money, joy, freedom, etc.), I’ve had to burn through some pretty mean layers of conditioning and self-judgment. I am happy to report I am no longer a level 1 on the receiving scale and orgasm is much, much more than a fleeting moment of climax. Soulmate, no matter where you are on the receiving scale,I look forward to discovering our “10” together. In this very moment, I wish for you to experience the electrifying, skin-quaking, rush of knowing you are not a battery that oscillates between full and empty, you are the charge itself. Female orgasm really is like exploring an entirely new continent, rife with the connection we all seek, and only now being explored. Consider me a brave pioneer (not wearing any pants).

Love, Me

Ps. Here is Nicole’s TEDx talk if you are curious to learn more. 

The Pantless Pioneer

I’m Sorry

Hey Soulmate,

I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I have probably met you a few hundred times and just wasn’t ready to see you yet. I confess I likely judged the shit out of you. My bad. It wasn’t always conscious. I felt “nice” and “open” and you would have felt that too but underneath there was something else. A few years ago during my first few months studying Spiritual Psychology at the University of Santa Monica I stood up in front of 250 people and sheepishly said, “People are crying and feeling all these emotions and talking about their unworthiness and I feel the exact opposite. Well, I kind of feel better than…everybody.” (Insert Teeth gritting emoji) My teachers, in their infinite and loving wisdom, smiled knowingly, “‘Better than’ is just a protection, it is the other side of the same unworthiness coin.” Of course I felt disconnected and lonely, I was actively separating myself from everyone. Here I thought I was super skilled because I could choose to feel my feelings or not feel them. I now know this is called “spiritual bypass”. It works great in the film business where everyone is superior and no one takes time to feel anything (except in the movie theater, oh, the irony). I was productive and in business productivity is next to godliness. And then 7-10 years in people start burning out, getting depressed, and having existential crisis that show up as fatigue syndromes.  So I now know that whenever I feel unworthy or insecure I immediately overcompensate by judging others and making them less than or wrong. I see how it is just my ego’s Pavlovian response to preserve the myth of itself.

So, I apologize. My expectations have been titanic and mostly unfair. I haven’t taken responsibility for it until now. I have been looking for a soulmate to meet what felt like a bottomless longing. I set a trap for you. My theory is that this deep longing/needing/desire comes from the binary nature of the ego (this or that, black or white). Beyond duality, in my soul or whatever you want to call it, I am everything. In duality, I become the battle between good and evil tethered by the aching memory of being one with the universe. Soulmate, you can’t be the universe. Well, you can’t be my universe. No person or thing can ever satisfy the dual mind, at least not for long. Phew. Are you relieved? I know I am.

I apologize that I have blamed you for the current state of the world; ie. patriarchy and the biological underpinnings that often make communication and emotional expression a challenge for your gender. I see how hungry you are to be understood. I also see how counterproductive blame is. I am sorry I was too afraid to get vulnerable and tell you the truth of what I wanted or what I thought. I am sorry I played accomplice in propping up ridiculous male archetypes (See Force Majeure & Channing Tatum). I am sorry that in my fear and longing I chose pseudo overconfidence and righteousness instead of truth. What I meant to say was…

  • I love learning about you. I can ask you questions all night. Please feel free to ask me questions on a first date or in general. Curiosity is my favorite trait. When you talk non-stop about yourself I feel frustrated and confused and judge you as a narcissist.
  • I should have told you from the very beginning what felt good to my body. How could you have known? Our entire bodies are erogenous zones and when you go straight for the genitals I find myself trying to perform being turned on instead of actually being turned on. Foreplay isn’t optional (unless discussed ahead of time and preceded by naughty conversation or texts). Oh, and please never say, “flick the bean,” the clitoris deserves your utmost respect.
  • You’re vulnerability sometimes scares the shit out of me but please keep it coming no matter what. It is the greatest gift you can give to yourself, me, or anyone.
  • Opening doors, walking on the right, and paying for first dates is always optional but please know these acts make me feel soft and taken care of and deeply grateful to both you and your parents.
  • I love when you take charge and plan things from time to time. I have a tendency to take control so any opportunity to surrender and rest in my feminine is such a refreshing and sigh-worthy experience.
  • I can feel how sensitive you are and I know sometimes I can trigger you. I will do my best to get clear on what is going on inside of me. Are you willing to do the same? I’m here to support you.
  • Are you willing to hold for all of me? Being emotional doesn’t always have to be work. Let’s play with it! Ham up a whacky king to my cold blooded queen.

I’m sorry for all the mixed signals. Tie me up! Don’t tie me up! Gag me, but lovingly. The truth is I am just figuring out what I want. I’ve never really be honest enough with myself or valued myself enough to really inquire within. I think I was waiting for your permission. I’ve been inside the matrix of conditioning for 34 years and I am just starting to find my way out. I hope you can be patient with me.

Love, Me

I’m Sorry